In Honor of Earth Day

I'm a few days late, but only because I just returned from attending as many Earth Day festivals as humanly possible. I decided to get to each of them on a bike (wouldn't it be hypocritical to drive there using any gas-powered vehicle???). I recycled all of my trash, and even tried to keep my breathing to a minimum (carbon dioxide is bad for the earth, right?) It was fun and worthwhile to be around like-minded people for a change.

Many of my conversations seemed to focus on the Galapagos Islands for some reason. Apparently there is a new found interest in the birthplace of evolution, and thus mankind. The islands' untouched pristine beauty has sparked a fury in earth lover passion and interest. I suppose I'm still a capitalist at heart, in spite of my new love affair with Mother Earth. My grand business idea is to build a Walmart on one of the islands. Where do current visitors buy their bottled water? Don't you think they would like to immediately develop their digital photos of that Komodo dragon attacking the turtle? Any need for toiletries when island hopping? I think so, and where better to accomplish all of these essentials than Walmart? I hope some of the powers that be can run with this idea. I'll only demand a small percentage of the profits.

Environmentally Friendly

For obvious reasons I'm not given too many responsibilities on a daily basis in our home. However, I do have two important ones: dish washer and Costco shopper. Cindy cooks, I wash the dishes. I also go to Costco 2-3 times/week (is there any better deal in town then $1.50 polish sausage and drink?? I think not!! It's filling, mostly edible, and the aftertaste remains for at least a day and a half).

A few weeks ago I was instructed to purchase some dish washing detergent at Costco. One reason I like Costco is the lack of choices - there's only a few to choose from of most items so the potential to choose incorrectly is drastically reduced. This particular shopping adventure, there were only two different detergents I was mulling over. One was a little cheaper in a fancy green box. The other was more expensive but in a dull, gray box with the words "Environmentally Friendly" emblazoned across the top. Those who know me realize I'm not afraid to slap down some extra cash to help out Mother Earth. However, I've never experienced worse buyer's remorse. Each day as I empty the dishwasher I spend an extra 10 minutes wiping out the soap crystals from each and every glass. But it is comforting knowing that our world will last a few minutes longer because I'm a friendly inhabitant.

A word of caution: when the words "Environmentally Friendly" or something similar are used in any advertisement, you can bet on these two truths:

1. The item will be ridiculously expensive.

2. The item will either lack quality or won't do the job as effectively or efficiently as it's "Environmentally Unfriendly" competitor.

Take the hybrid car. Yes, the gas mileage is great in stop-and-go traffic. Yes, you can sneak up on either a deer or cyclist from behind and run them down without problem because neither will be able to hear your stealth approach. Finally, with it's partial zero emissions, the hybrid has the Green Prince's stamp of approval. However, there is a $4-6K premium for a hybrid. You'd have to drive lots of miles over lots of years to make up the difference at the gas pump.

I haven't researched home solar panels recently, so this is a shot in the dark. But haven't you heard a homeowner say something like this: "Yeah, I just bought me some solar panels for my house. Those babies pay for themselves in 10 to 14 years." At some point we may stay in a house more than 5 years, but not anytime soon. I'm sure it is very satisfying knowing that your $15k purchase will end up saving a dozen polar bears, one of which could rip your heart out with one swipe of its claw. But they are really cute, aren't they?

Be responsible, don't waste, but please don't buy something just because it is "Environmentally Friendly". It's just not worth the aggravation.

Best Thing Overheard on Easter

The best things about Easter are as follows:

1. Reeses peanut butter eggs.
2. Cadbury eggs.
3. Peeps

Honorable Mention: Jesus

Things that Disturb Me

A few things that disturb me currently:

1. I'm starting to develop old man eyebrows. If they are out of control at 38, what the hell will they look like when I'm Andy Rooney's age???

2. Last week, Al Gore, the Green Prince, met with leaders of the LDS Church. Apparently the topic of discussion was not the Gore family genealogy line.

3. Upon looking at my teeth and TMJ misalignment, the dentist remarked, "You got to be kidding me!?!" It's just not something you'd like to hear from either a dentist or a physician.

4. I'm slightly disturbed by many Americans and some of our leaders who seem to have a love affair with Europe. Either they are desperate for Europe's approval, or want us to be more like our sophisticated friends to the east. I guess I don't mind American exceptionalism. I kind of liked growing up knowing that I lived in the best country in the world.

5. At this point in my life I should be able to make it through at least one session of General Conference without falling asleep. No such luck. I even attended the last session at the conference center and couldn't make it without a nap. It is frustrating and disturbing all at the same time.

It's OK to Lie - Sometimes

I've decided there are two instances when the LDS community grants carte blanche on dishonesty. First is today, April Fool's Day. All of a sudden any lie under the sun is OK, if not encouraged. Cindy and her friend played a cruel hoax on their 9 year old daughters this morning. A letter from Midway Elementary somehow ended up in email inboxes stating the number of school days was miscalculated. As a result, the students would have to attend school every Saturday the remainder of the school year to make up the difference. The two pure, innocent girls promptly announced this bad news to the rest of their class. Ms. Cummings, the girls' teacher, was also part of this secret combination and played along. Jessica found out about the dirty scheme after school, so she must return tomorrow and fess up to the entire class. I've been looking up local psychologists this evening - just preparing for an interesting, expensive future.

The second instance when lying is OK occurs the week leading up to a change in a ward's bishopric. Speculation runs rampant about who might be the unlucky fellow. The next bishop might be asked by a dozen different people if he is their new judge in Israel. All he can really do is deny any knowledge and hope they don't ask again. So for the first couple of days before he gets this important calling, the unfortunate man is forced to lie repeatedly. It doesn't seem right, but that's the way it is.

So when asked if you are completely honest with those around you, it might be best to ask for further clarification - "Does that include April Fool's Day? Does it matter if I was a bishop previously?"

A Travesty of Epic Proportions

We've been told by the administration's words and actions that energy, healthcare, and education are the reasons we are in this depression, and reforming each of these will get us out. Apparently we don't have enough college graduates. Don't you think all of those greedy Wall Street guys who got us into this mess have college degrees? Probably most from Ivy League schools? What happened? Doesn't a college degree guarantee smarts, happiness, and a lifelong smile?

When our kids were first born Cindy and I decided we would start saving for their college expenses. Our plan - encourage them to get good grades, support them emotionally and financially as long as they are exerting a good effort, and then sit back and let them support us in our old age. Not attending college would not be an option.

Somewhere between then and now our attitude changed. If our kids somehow don't win the lottery or a multimillion dollar lawsuit, our hope is that they are happy with whatever they choose. If they decide to start their own business instead of going to college, they will have our full support. If they decide to work at Krispy Kreme or Starbucks, more power to them. For some people, attending college and incurring 100k in debt may not be the best road to happiness.

This opinion was strengthened today as I heard a report about the escalating costs of college tuition. In spite of the current recession, many colleges are increasing tuition and subsequently professors' salaries. The average salary of a university professor now stands at $90,000. Not bad for somebody who spends 8 hours/week on average teaching in the class. I realize there are other responsibilities besides indoctrinating the young whipper snappers on the beauties of communism - but really, aren't they really paid for what they do in the classroom? Not a bad gig! I think it is shameful and disgusting! Don't many universities get funds from the government? Would this make the government part owners, or part employers, of these professors? I really think they should give back part of their salaries. Either that or they should be required to pay 90% taxes for their excessive salaries. When it comes right down to it, we need to be fair - and that pay structure for that small amount of work just isn't fair. I just don't think I will be able to contribute to a broken system. Until professor salaries are reduced to a reasonable level, they aren't getting any of my money. I only hope the minimum wage will be at a decent level when my kids graduate from high school.

Ought to vs. Have to

Last week after a long 4 hour workday I was told by my wife and 9 year old daughter that I had to attend parent teacher conference for her that evening. Cindy was doing her own conferences at a different school, so it was left to me to be the responsible one. I didn't want to go. I especially didn't want to go because I was told I had to attend. If Jessica, our daughter, was a problem student, or was an idiot, I could understand why conversing with her teacher would be worthwhile. She's neither; thus, my stubborn stance. As usually happens, though, I gave in to appease the ladies in my life. It turned out to be 15 minutes of my life I will never get back.

It actually wasn't all that bad, but it made me think about stuff that I "have to" do. At this point in my life, I get more and more annoyed with the "have to's". Church meetings that should be 30 minutes but last 90; work conference calls that have to be weekly but should be monthly; school meetings that I have to attend or the teacher and principal will come to my house and kick me in the head. All of these and others should be things I ought to do, but not necessarily have to do.

Yesterday was "Earth Hour", a time when earth's residents were told they should turn off all household and business lights to save energy and show a worldwide unity of concern for the planet. I realize I "ought to" do better at saving energy by turning off lights and walking more. But everywhere I turn all I see and hear are advertisements telling me how evil I am if I don't do more. I need to be better at tracking how much I can save by being green, kind of like the United Nations. In a statement released before Earth Hour, the U.N. predicted they would save $81,000 by going dark at their complex for 60 minutes. A short time later, that amount decreased to $24,000. Finally, a more accurate prediction was released at a dollar amount of savings achieved by turning off all of the lights at the U.N. building - $102. If at first you can't be honest, make sure you are close on the third attempt.

As a family, we decided we "have to" provide a balance to all of this energy savings. We decided to turn on every light in our house, opened up every window, turned up the thermostat to 85 degrees, turned every appliance on that we could think of (dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, bread maker, oven, blender, mixer, coffee maker ), and turned on every water faucet for good measure. We then built a bonfire in the backyard and had both of our cars idling for the full hour. It felt so good to achieve complete family unity. We estimate that this hour cost us at least an additional $102 on our April power bill. I'm not going to predict more than that, I'm just not into exaggeration.

My point with this story is - right now we are told we "ought to" be doing, or not doing, stuff to help save the planet. Is it out of the realm of possibility these "ought to's" will turn into "have to's"? I hope not, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past the U.N. and some of our leaders. Isn't the dream of America all about keeping your thermostat at 80 degrees just because you can? Please don't take that away from me.